Twenty-five years ago, my husband went abroad Stress and worry gave me cancer.
Hello. Ive hesitated for ages about sharing my storymaybe someone will read it and think twice. Maybe someone will recognise themselves in it, or someone else will avoid the mistakes I made.
Id rather stay anonymous, but I need another perspective. Just a different point of view.
I married for love.
I was young when I fell for him. Just 18, while he was 22. It was a grand, pure love, full of trust. We thought we could weather any storm as long as we were together.
A year after the wedding, our son was born. I was happy then but not for long. Tough times began. Money was tightmy wages were meagre, and his salary barely covered the bills. We lived modestly, like most families, but my husband thought it wasnt enough.
«Im going abroad,» he announced one day. «Better wages there. Well have a better life.»
I begged him not to go. Told him wed manage. Plenty of couples pull through hardship together. He didnt listen.
I was left alone with our child.
Years passed.
I kept hoping hed come home, but he didnt want to. Said he could earn more abroad. «Just a little longer,» he promised, «and everything will be fine.»
I pleaded with him to stay. By then, I had work. My parents helped with childcare. We couldve lived like everyone else But he wouldnt come back.
With just one child, I longed for anotherdreamed of a big family. But he said,
«Theres no money. Feeding one is hard enough as it is.»
Yet even with just one, he didnt want to be around. Hed visit for a week or two, then disappear again.
I raised our son alone. Went to parent-teacher meetings, sat up nights when he was ill. I never told my husband the boy was sickdidnt want to worry him. And he never asked.
Still, he didnt return.
If hed made a fortune, if wed lived in luxury, maybe I could say, «It was worth it.» But no. The money only just stretched to a normal life.
Still, there were loansfor the roof, the car, the new washing machine. Like everyone elses.
I tried explaining, more than once, that money wasnt everything. That our son needed his father. That I was exhausted. But he wouldnt listen.
He lived there. And we lived here.
Years rolled by.
Twenty-five years passed.
Then he came back.
Not with savings. With debt.
I sold my grans house to cover some of it. He thanked me, said he loved me, that at last wed be together.
But at what cost?
Too late
Youd think this was itthe long-awaited calm. Husband home, no more travelling, no drinking, no wandering. Youd think Id be overjoyed.
But suddenly, I realised I couldnt breathe in my own house.
To keep the peace, I had to give up myself.
I stopped seeing friendshe didnt like them. Said if he didnt have mates, I didnt need any either. He never forbade it, but the way he looked at me killed the urge to go out.
I stopped dressing up. He disliked bright clothes, makeup, heels. Said they didnt suit a woman our age.
I stopped laughing, stopped telling funny stories, stopped dreaming.
I existed. Worked. Cleaned. Cooked. Slept.
Once or twice a year, wed go on holiday. Just us two. No friends, no company. Because he didnt like people.
And I put up with it. All of it.
But my body couldnt take it
The grind, the constant tension, the loneliness crushed me.
I got ill.
The diagnosis was brutal. Cancer.
My world collapsed in an instant.
I dont know how much time I have left.
But I know this: if I could turn back time, I wouldnt live like this.
Id never have let myself become a shadow.
Id never have let my husband dictate my life.
Id never have sacrificed myself for the illusion of family.
Now its too late.
Our sons grown, living his own life. My parents are elderlyI care for them as best I can.
And my husband? He says he loves me. That hell stand by me.
But my heart doesnt leap anymore.
I didnt live the way I wanted.
I was a loyal wife. Patient. Gentle. I waited for him. Loved him.
And him? He just lived the way he pleased.
If I could go back
Id choose myself.
Now, all I can say is this: dont live like I did.
Dont put yourself last.
Dont lose yourself in a relationship that doesnt make you happy.
Lifes too short to spend it waiting.
